i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
