You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
