can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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