Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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