I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
