went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
