I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
