i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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