A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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