Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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