I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
