maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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