I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
