She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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