I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
