So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
