i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
