last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
it's like heaven, but drunker
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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