Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
