Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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