just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
