Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
