My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You can't special order awesome
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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