booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
