benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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