So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
