If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
