hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
