Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
