woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
