Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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