my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
