I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
