I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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