You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
