I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
