Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
