She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
