you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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