I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just tell him i said nine months
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
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I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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