New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
So here I am, sexting at work.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
