omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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