Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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