Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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