i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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