i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
