i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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