just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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