it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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