well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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