I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
