We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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