Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
