my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
time to smoke my breakfast
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
