"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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