would you consider him our boss?
then technically i slept with our boss
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
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there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.