i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
