how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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